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Adventures in food for curious cooks.

Fish Out of Water at Cafe Salmonella

Unfortunate Cooking

Come for the delicious recipes. Stay for the terrible story.

Fish Out of Water at Cafe Salmonella

Lynley Jones

This week, we swim upstream to find out what it's like to be a fish out of water.

Return to A Series of Unfortunate Recipes: The Messy Middle homepage.

Cafe Salmonella is In

Cafe Salmonella is one of the innest restaurants in the city, because instead of serving bacteria that make their patrons violently ill, they serve salmon, and salmon is in.

If you were to visit Cafe Salmonella, say on a given Tuesday evening after a day of competitive dog grooming, you might notice the waiters in their salmon costumes, the unbelievably wealthy customers sipping salmon water, and the salmon eyeball staring at you from your bowl of salmon soup.

Being surrounded by strangely-costumed waiters and wealthy customers and dismembered eyeballs might leave you feeling like a fish out of water.

Fish out of Water

As you probably know, "fish out of water" is an expression often used to describe the feeling of peril that comes from realizing you can't breathe because someone is trying to kill you. 

Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire often felt like fishes out of water, because no matter how much they would have loved to spend a day frolicking with competitively groomed dogs, they instead had to spend their days evading capture by Count Olaf and his associates.

When Duncan and Isadora Quagmire fell into the clutches of Count Olaf and Esme Squalor, they felt like fishes out of water. Later, when disguised as an item at the In Auction, they bore an even closer resemblance to a fish out of water. 

If you, dear Reader, are not in imminent danger of suffocation and death, you may be feeling like a fish in water. And as such, you may be in the mood for nibbling on worms, swimming upstream, and spending quality time with the fish you love the most.

But if instead, for some reason, you are in the mood for a Very Fancy Dinner at a restaurant, you may find yourself at Cafe Salmonella. Where I highly recommend ordering the Salmon Puffs.

To my kind Webmaster,

Please post my recipe for Cafe Salmonella's Salmon Puffs here, which are made from actual fishes out of water, along with thyme, parsley, chives, garlic and puff pastry.  

With all due respect,

Lynley Jones, Proprietress



Fake News

Return to A Series of Unfortunate Recipes: The Messy Middle homepage.

If you want to feel like a fish out of water, you can swim upstream to your nearest bookstore or library and read this book: